Thursday, September 9, 2010

I Have a Justin Bieber Liver

Some of you loyal readers (Which I love any and all traffic to my not so advertised blog, so thank you in advance for reading. ANYWAY) know that I have had a little brush with not so awesome functioning liver.

You may think, "GASP! I didn't know someone could live for more than 8-24 hours with liver failure." Well that would be right. I don't have liver failure, but more that it's not breaking down everything as it should. Sure, it can filter my booze, processed foods, and artificial sweetner just fine, but that's just because those are the pushy bitches at the front of the line to meet Justin Bieber. My other bodily functions are more of the pushovers in this whole "Justin Bieber is my liver" scenario. (You know those girls that just plot and pine over Justin quietly in their room talking to his poster as if it were a real person.)

Those pushovers? Need some backstage passes to show those pushy bitches who really matters to Justin.

So, how does one get those backstage passes? For me, I see a naturopathic doctor. That means that instead of using chemicals (whorey behavior with roadies), I am cleansing (winning passes through an official fan club lottery.)

This means that my Justin Bieber liver gets face time with those functions that make my body run like a well oiled machine and keep the pushy (now whorey) bitches completely out.

In simple terms, I had a three day fast before a three week cleanse. The fast? Was crazy. I don't know how I managed to last three days eating no more than two bell peppers and drinking a lemonade concoction. I know that popular culture has given fasts and cleanses a bad name, (In this whole Bieber Fever scenario, it would be everyone outside of the tween-iverse) using a cleanse and fast that is supervised by a doctor (iTunes Genius suggestions), I choose to modify my diet and use known beneficial supplements (not changing the channel when JB is on) over those chemicals (whorey a la Lohan).

Fasting is not for everyone and by no means should be done lightly. It's weird to have food again, and even weirder that for the next month, I am essentially an ovo-lacto vegan. (OK, so I get some chicken, turkey, and fish in there, but really, it's a huge change.)

(And for those not in tune with their inner hippie, an ovo-lacto vegan means that you don't eat any animal parts or products like dairy, eggs, steak, etc.)

Long story longer, I have a Justin Bieber liver that has morals and won't let pushy bitches with whorey behavior kick it with it.

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