Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Take a Memo...

Ms. Mother Nature
North American Continent
Northern Hemisphere
Planet Earth

RE: Changing Seasons and Planetary Orbits

Dear Mother Nature:

As of late, the northern hemisphere, and more specifically on the North American Continent in the general locality of Denver, Colorado (39.45 lat, 105.0 long) has been experiencing some uncharacteristic weather. While we realize that it is indeed Colorado and the weather patterns can change immensely from day to day, we feel as though the weather patterns that have included inches and FEET of snow in the month of April is getting out of hand. Colorado does have a history of late winter/spring blizzards, but those occur in the month of March.

After many centuries of calculating the rotation of the Earth around the sun, taking into account the orbital path, the tilt of the Earth on its axis, and its relative position to the sun, scientists the world over agree that the Vernal Equinox signifies the Earth's point in its orbit that begins the northern hemisphere's "tilt" towards the sun. This means that, for the inhabitants of the northern hemisphere, days become longer and the weather is generally warmer. That said, snow is not warm.

Finding that a snowstorm has blanketed a major metropolitan area overnight that was not forecasted presents several challenges for residents in the area. Spring in Colorado already presents its challenges as it can swing more than 40 degrees in a day from sunrise to sunset. Adding to that the need for extra layers, wet weather gear, and a Monday morning rush hour commute creates an unnecessary toll on these residents.

If you feel that you have received this message in error, this office is willing to explore the possibility of weather forecasting to be a joke on society and that all meteorologists are frauds. However, if you find this letter to be, what we assume to be, an oversight on your part, please take immediate corrective action to cease and desist all snow in the Denver Metro area until Halloween of 2009, which is generally accepted as around the time that the first snow comes for Colorado.

Warm regards,

Ana O.
Office of Snow in April Can Suck It
Denver, CO

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Tao of Clairee & Ouiser, Romy & Michelle, and Elle.

While I pride myself in being original, witty, and funny, recently, I have found that my life can be summed up by quotes from three movies: Steel Magnolias, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, and Legally Blonde.

There might be variances, but for the most part, you can tell what movie they come from.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." See "She's Needs Better Friends."

"Miss Truvy, I promise my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." Excuses I make at work.

"I would recognize that penmanship anywhere. You have the handwriting of a serial killer." Colin's handwriting.

"Pink is my signature color." Duh.

"You are a boil on the butt of humanity." What I say to attorneys in Oklahoma.

"I used to think that you were a glutton for punishment, then I realized you are on a mission from God." To my dad about the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

"The only difference between us and the animals is our ability to accessorize." Accessories make the ensemble.

"Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize that it is marching across your face." Salty face wrinkles.

"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." That's what she said.

"Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right." Because I know random shizz and I'm right.

"You're the Rhoda. You're the Jewish one." Holler, Rachel.

"Fuck off Toby." Insert your name here.

"This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy." What happens with empire waists.

"You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny." She needs better friends.

"You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think." My general attitude towards asshats.

"That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that." Whatever you have to tell yourself into delusion.

"Ow. That hurt, but it looked really good." Because anything worth doing is worth hurting yourself. See also: my shoes.

"I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life." It's what I do for a living, so naturally, my lexicon will abound with useless words.

"What? Like it's hard?" My approach that I can do anything.

"If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were. " My advice to all of my BUBs.

"Beeennnnddd and snap." It works every time.

"So what does Vivian have besides you? Three tits?" My advice to my girls when they get a little green.

"I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood." Let us steadfastly love one another, bitches.

"Could I be any more goddamn spastic?" I am a klutz.

So, really, I'm a plagiarizer, but whatever. Because I? Am awesome. (Thanks, Jen Lancaster.)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Why Being Single in the Suburbs Sucks

So, as every woman should, I went to my annual appointment. (Don't worry, I'm only going to talk about interactions, not the actual appointment.) Having my doctor in the suburbs, it is convenient for appointments since they are on the way to work or home from work. However, this can bring out the preggers and Stepford Wives in droves. Being an urban girl (in my head if not in locality) I have a tough time being a single girl in the suburbs. Here are my observations:

  • There should be two waiting rooms: one for the preggers and one for the non-preggers. I don't want to hear about your dialation or your labor pains while I'm harnessing my chi for my own appointment.
  • There should be two exits: one for the preggers (through their waiting room) and one for the non-preggers (through their waiting room). I don't need the stares at my belly to see if I'm pregnant and when I joke with the front counter with "Yay for no babies!" from everyone when I exit.
  • The appointment has a lot of questioning that happens beforehand and before the exam. If you're not having sex, they make you sound desperate, like, "Why are you in here getting birth control if you're not knocking boots?" If you are having sex, then it's, "With your boyfriend? Fiance?" And if you pause (because you weren't expecting to define a relationship while sitting on a paper covered table holding a cotton ball to your finger after they prick you - OUCH! - for iron, much less with the actual person) the line of questioning halts and they make eye contact until you answer, stuttering, "Ahhhh, well, I, uh, see, well I wouldn't necessarily....[trail off]" Then it's into, "And you're using condoms?" (NOTE TO SELF: Be prepared for the Spanish Inquisition on EVERYTHING and DO NOT PAUSE while you think of the answer.) And then, you get to review it AGAIN with the doctor because it was the PA who just grilled you like a hamburger on a hot summer day.
  • If you have a heart condition, be prepared during the Inquisition. When asked, "What's your living situtation? Are you living with your boyfriend?" (I shoot the look of, "We just touched on that topic and if I'm not willing to add a definition there, what makes you think we would be LIVING together?) Calmly answer: "Ah, no. I live _________. And thank you for the heart palipations when I had to consider living with them."
  • Going back to the finger pricking, make sure that you know how you type on a keyboard for work. They typically go towards the pinky side of the finger tip which, coincidentally, is the surface of the finger that most people type with. Double OUCH!
  • Know that even though you filled out the questionnaire and asked for the ring finger to be pricked, the PA, and doctor for that matter, will ask you all of those questions, even though you indicated you DIDN'T want to talk about - even, "Are you worried about fertility?" (What?! Should I be?! I am perfectly happy with the level of fertility I have right now - NONE! Are you saying that I am old?! You just heard my "relationship status", why would you think that I WANT to be pregnant. See Point 1.) - again and ignore your request and prick your index finger anyway.
  • As you leave, you realize that you just PAID to have someone get to second base with you without so much as buying you dinner.
I need to move.