Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Tao of Clairee & Ouiser, Romy & Michelle, and Elle.

While I pride myself in being original, witty, and funny, recently, I have found that my life can be summed up by quotes from three movies: Steel Magnolias, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, and Legally Blonde.

There might be variances, but for the most part, you can tell what movie they come from.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." See "She's Needs Better Friends."

"Miss Truvy, I promise my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." Excuses I make at work.

"I would recognize that penmanship anywhere. You have the handwriting of a serial killer." Colin's handwriting.

"Pink is my signature color." Duh.

"You are a boil on the butt of humanity." What I say to attorneys in Oklahoma.

"I used to think that you were a glutton for punishment, then I realized you are on a mission from God." To my dad about the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

"The only difference between us and the animals is our ability to accessorize." Accessories make the ensemble.

"Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize that it is marching across your face." Salty face wrinkles.

"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." That's what she said.

"Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right." Because I know random shizz and I'm right.

"You're the Rhoda. You're the Jewish one." Holler, Rachel.

"Fuck off Toby." Insert your name here.

"This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy." What happens with empire waists.

"You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny." She needs better friends.

"You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think." My general attitude towards asshats.

"That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that." Whatever you have to tell yourself into delusion.

"Ow. That hurt, but it looked really good." Because anything worth doing is worth hurting yourself. See also: my shoes.

"I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life." It's what I do for a living, so naturally, my lexicon will abound with useless words.

"What? Like it's hard?" My approach that I can do anything.

"If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were. " My advice to all of my BUBs.

"Beeennnnddd and snap." It works every time.

"So what does Vivian have besides you? Three tits?" My advice to my girls when they get a little green.

"I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood." Let us steadfastly love one another, bitches.

"Could I be any more goddamn spastic?" I am a klutz.

So, really, I'm a plagiarizer, but whatever. Because I? Am awesome. (Thanks, Jen Lancaster.)


  1. hahahehehoho. This post? has words to live by.

  2. Ana: Love this--it also made me realize that it has been a tragically long time since I've seen Romy and Michele's High School Reunion--I am Nexflix-ing ASAP

  3. I'm a big fan of R&M.

    Saw you on the street today and shouted your name as i drove past. You looked really good.

    "actually i have been trying this new diet i just invented - all i've had for the past three days is jelly beans, gummy bears, and candy corns"

  4. also:

    "Who want's to go to town with a guy that drives a rowboat?"

  5. are you hollering at me because of the jewish one thing or because I can recite the entire script of romy and michelle from memory?

  6. Duh, Rachel. It's because you're the Jewish one.