Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Why Being Single in the Suburbs Sucks

So, as every woman should, I went to my annual appointment. (Don't worry, I'm only going to talk about interactions, not the actual appointment.) Having my doctor in the suburbs, it is convenient for appointments since they are on the way to work or home from work. However, this can bring out the preggers and Stepford Wives in droves. Being an urban girl (in my head if not in locality) I have a tough time being a single girl in the suburbs. Here are my observations:

  • There should be two waiting rooms: one for the preggers and one for the non-preggers. I don't want to hear about your dialation or your labor pains while I'm harnessing my chi for my own appointment.
  • There should be two exits: one for the preggers (through their waiting room) and one for the non-preggers (through their waiting room). I don't need the stares at my belly to see if I'm pregnant and when I joke with the front counter with "Yay for no babies!" from everyone when I exit.
  • The appointment has a lot of questioning that happens beforehand and before the exam. If you're not having sex, they make you sound desperate, like, "Why are you in here getting birth control if you're not knocking boots?" If you are having sex, then it's, "With your boyfriend? Fiance?" And if you pause (because you weren't expecting to define a relationship while sitting on a paper covered table holding a cotton ball to your finger after they prick you - OUCH! - for iron, much less with the actual person) the line of questioning halts and they make eye contact until you answer, stuttering, "Ahhhh, well, I, uh, see, well I wouldn't necessarily....[trail off]" Then it's into, "And you're using condoms?" (NOTE TO SELF: Be prepared for the Spanish Inquisition on EVERYTHING and DO NOT PAUSE while you think of the answer.) And then, you get to review it AGAIN with the doctor because it was the PA who just grilled you like a hamburger on a hot summer day.
  • If you have a heart condition, be prepared during the Inquisition. When asked, "What's your living situtation? Are you living with your boyfriend?" (I shoot the look of, "We just touched on that topic and if I'm not willing to add a definition there, what makes you think we would be LIVING together?) Calmly answer: "Ah, no. I live _________. And thank you for the heart palipations when I had to consider living with them."
  • Going back to the finger pricking, make sure that you know how you type on a keyboard for work. They typically go towards the pinky side of the finger tip which, coincidentally, is the surface of the finger that most people type with. Double OUCH!
  • Know that even though you filled out the questionnaire and asked for the ring finger to be pricked, the PA, and doctor for that matter, will ask you all of those questions, even though you indicated you DIDN'T want to talk about - even, "Are you worried about fertility?" (What?! Should I be?! I am perfectly happy with the level of fertility I have right now - NONE! Are you saying that I am old?! You just heard my "relationship status", why would you think that I WANT to be pregnant. See Point 1.) - again and ignore your request and prick your index finger anyway.
  • As you leave, you realize that you just PAID to have someone get to second base with you without so much as buying you dinner.
I need to move.


  1. When I went a couple weeks ago, my doctor and I were having a random conversation about school and clothes during the whole exam. The whole time I was thinking how awkward it was while she's "getting to 2nd base" and having this conversation. But on the bright side I'm cancer and std free!!

  2. Now that you've addressed your main concerns you have a year to either get a boyfriend who gives you lovin on the regular or dream up the perfect response to every question - either so you get a good reaction or so that they shut the f up.

    "Yes I always use a condom but i'm worried about it breaking" vs. "Condoms are for squares/sailors/suckers"

    "I'm actually having frequent abortions and doing enough hardcore drugs that i'm hoping to be sterile already"

    "Boyfriend?! I'm a modern woman! I get mine a la carte - Where and when i want it."