Sunday, March 8, 2009

Roots of All Evil

Contrary to my former step-mother's opinion, I am not the root of all evil. Through various life experiences, I have compiled a list of things that I deem the root of all evil that has transcended many periods of my life. Although, some of these are obviously after I turned 21. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.) Oh, and I maintain that the formerly mentioned former step-mother is the Devil incarnate. (Burn.)

TV Marathons
As I sit watching all four Harry Potters at various points through the day, switching between an old season of America's Next Top Model, I realized that the only productive thing I have truly accomplished was making dinner, but there was a TV on in the background. The TV earns its nickname of the boob tube since I have no mental ability. I seem to always get sucked into marathons of Sex and the City, Band of Brothers, Harry Potter, America's Next Top Model, Romantic Comedies, Comedy movies in general, and VH1's Celebreality.

Turn the TV off or DVR what you really want to watch.

Really, I can only think of "duh". I have been on that infernal creature since 2004 and have seen its many incarnations. I think that this website has turned the world into passive-aggressive over-sharers. (I realize the irony that, A) I am on Facebook and B) I am writing a blog about passive-aggressive behavior. I get it. Don't read too much into this social commentary. I digress.) I really didn't want to know those 25 things about you. I don't like being tagged in various cartoon interpretations of "Me & My Friends". I don't need you sending my application invitations all the time. But to the real reason that it is evil: the revelations that people find necessary to post in status updates and other peoples' walls. Think about who of your friends, of your friends' friends, the entire human population that could read it.

Well, if I had one and it wasn't such a pivotal role in my earning of a Ph.D. in stalking, I would have a better answer. I don't even have the strength to delete the iPhone app. I'm just waiting for the development of the 12-Step Program for social networking.

Drunk Dialing/Texting
We have all been perpetrators or victims to the drunk dial and text. Did tall have a good bite? No, probably not. Are there six s's in the word alcohol? Nope, not even close. The worst is the drunk dial voice mail turns the sweetest sober person into a surly porn star with the expletive laced messages that seem to happen after last call. I have a friend that has made drunk dialing an art form. Thankfully, with the advent of the smart phone comes the smart texting. This is a double-edged sword since it can predict words, but can also predict a word that is no where near the one your double-vision was trying to type. This is also only helpful if you spell out whole words instead of ROTFL K is drunk lol haha nite.

Step away from the phone after you are legally intoxicated. Unless you are telling people where to meet you, there is no reason to initiate contact with former flames or family members. (Guilty on both counts.) I would also like to formally petition for a Drunk Dialer Block app for the iPhone that requires some simple math/reaction testing to unlock the phone after midnight. Oh, and make sure that you try to type words out to avoid did tall have a good bite.

Poor Grammar
On the same front as the drunk texting, I find poor grammar and spelling appalling. I get that having a 9 key texting phone makes it more difficult to type long text messages, then call the person and settle the matter in seconds rather than me getting a text that I have to phonetically sound out several times to find out what the person is trying to say. If you seek Amy. If you seek Amy. If you seek Amy. Nope. Don't get it. F-U-C-K me I get. Although I have been guilty of the acronyms, it's more to annoy people than anything else. I also find that the break down in communication is a downfall of society for interpersonal relationships, but that's a whole other post.

Take the extra key strokes in emails and text messages to complete words and punctuation. It will save you in your professional life.

Alcohol That Doesn't Taste Like It
The Orange Slice Martini at The Keg was one of the more recent forays into the too delicious to get me drunk drinks that I have had as of late. Japanese Sex is the shot that I can have over and over without any bearing on the level of wasted I'll be in the short amount of time. It's these drinks that start the nights that end in the drunk dialing and texting as previously mentioned. These are also the nights that turn into days of comatose hangovers that leave one begging for death rather than the hell that their body produces in a rebellion against the alcohol consumption from the previous binge.

Scotch and soda or a whiskey on the rocks. You'll taste every bit of that alcohol. That made me vomit a little just thinking about it.

Rio Margaritas
I love love love the Rio margaritas. (Notice I used the limit of three loves.) The Rio has OK food, but people go for the margaritas. They're so good when they touch your lips. I'm a rocks with salt kind of girl, although a Strawberry Lite (it's not "lite", it's just half regular, half strawberry) and a Manberry (mango and strawberry) from time to time is delicious. It seems that every night that I have started at the Rio, I have had some sort of rowdy result...ah, it's so delicious and so evil at the same time.

Their limit of three is a good thing, but not if you get all your margaritas from multiple sources...I had six margaritas for my graduation party and didn't have to drink the rest of the night. The other antidote is decide where you're going to drink. You're going to get drunk at The Rio and stop or have one, maybe two, margaritas and then go out to drink. Combing the limit of three and going out to drink just spells disaster.

Re-reading this post before I post, I realize that I might want to print this out and hang it up as a reminder that I need to minimize the "evils" that I am guilty of perpetuating.

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