Snow Day, Schmo Day - Doubter McNon-Believerton proven WRONG.

Here are my observations as a native Coloradoan at a "Spring Storm" (read: blizzard) after I was Doubter McNon-Believerton about the forecasters crying, "Wolf!":

1. What the hell is "winter-like" weather? When you say it's a blizzard outside and the worst snowstorms in Denver are in March, I would say that's straight up WINTER WEATHER.
2. If you think you are being a Good Samaritan by parking in an open lane of traffic and running in front of cars that are trying to keep their forward motion so that they don't get stuck forces them to stop and to then GET STUCK. You're right, you are going to push my car forward while you make everyone behind me do the same thing.
3. Why, if the City closes and snow plows are not the roads, do you require that your employees stay at work until the last possible moment and the weather and roads are so bad it takes three times longer to get home? And don't get me started on the face that my "snow day" is really annual leave. (At least I am not at the office listening to One-Downer complaining about riding the bus in and her kids being at home alone. That is actually worth its weight in GOLD.)
4. I'm glad that I didn't pack my winter clothes at the bottom of some box. When I had to suit up to go back out in the snow (after trekking to the house in my work clothes and Uggs through knee-deep snow) just to move my car out of the way in traffic, it was nice of the guy in the truck to stop get out, ask me if I was going to be long, then get back in the truck. Thanks, asshat. I clearly wasn't shoveling snow around my car so that I can have pristine space around my car in a BLIZZARD.
5. I'm going to go ahead and say that since we pay close to $500 in HOA fees, gets your asses out to plow and shovel my drive. The snow wasn't that bad when it started falling, so where were you then? I know that the roads suck, but you have a SNOW PLOW on the front of your truck. Use it.
   

Update: They - "they" being the no-talent ass clowns that predicted no snow most of the winter, then we would get pounded, but today "redeemed" themselves - are saying we have received 10" of snow here...but the drifts are WAY over a foot. (That's a 12" ruler.)

Why I Am Not Quite Ready For Children

Disclaimer: I do want children AT SOME POINT in my life. I do not have ANYTHING against children or their parents, just as a collective sub-culture....more specifically, the Stepford Wife sub-culture that exists in the suburbs. I have a feeling that karma will kick me in the ass, but that's karma. Oh, and I know that a lot of what I have a problem with is the parenting of the child, so let's be honest that I am not ready for that responsibility.

On my drive into work today, I arrived at a three way stop. I was the car to the right, as well as the one coming down a hill. (For those of you not picking up what I am laying down, I had the right of way to the school bus to my left.) So, as I go to enter the intersection, the bus starts going forward, too. I yield, and as the bus driver passes, she stares me down with the stink eye as if I just committed a cardinal sin by trying to take my right of way in front of a school bus. Here are my issues:

1. Just because you drive school children around in a big yellow bus does not mean that you rule the road.
2. Clearly, the big yellow school bus would kick my Camry's ass. Knowing this, I would not tango with you. (It's like idiots that play chicken with the LightRail trains downtown.)
3. You should consider that you are driving children around without proper restraints as required in other vehicles while CLEARLY not paying attention to the road in an excess of 5 seconds while giving me the stink eye. Pay attention to the road. (Refer to my previous post that your bus does not have "Police" on the side.)
4. You drive a school bus for a living. I win. (Burn.)

From there, I unleashed a string of expletives as I drove down the road. (Classy, I know.) Realizing that I cursed like a sailor and that language is highly inappropriate in front of children, I started to think about other reasons I'm not ready for children. I guess that is more the issue with the bus driver rather than the children, but I still have a resentment to the buses that make me wait for the kids to load the bus and hold up traffic at railroad crossings.

Another reason that I'm not quite ready for children: Vacation. My co-workers, and many others in the office must account for time off based upon their children's school schedule. Spring break being a prime example. While I'm sure that I'll want to spend time with my children, I don't want some third-party (their school district) telling me when I get a break from work for a possible vacation. On the same note, having to use sick leave for the kids' doctor's appointments also chaps my hide.

Thirdly, I like nice things. Kids don't know what to do with nice things. Enter the cousin's kids that run about, ripping things, getting their grubby hands over everything, throwing things about with care, generally just blatant disregard for the value of treating objects with care. I don't let them use my Wii without being supervised.

I also like to spend money exactly when and where I want it. Trip to Vegas? Done. Day at the spa? Done. Buying yet another pair of shoes? Done. Buying diapers? Hells no. I am a single and selfish. While the two are not synonymous, they both apply to me. I know that I am harsh, but I've never denied being a bitch. I still maintain that if I like you, I'm just a bitch with a bleeding heart.

I would also conjecture that my blog is reason enough that I'm not ready for children of my own. Oh, well. It's my life as I choose to live it right now.

Things I Have Learned In My 26 Years...

1. Refrain from starting a sentence with, "Back when I was a virgin..." in a conversation with your mother. (Yep. I'm that awesome. Especially when my mom's face was like a deer in headlights. Thankfully, my grandma didn't have her hearing aids in.)

2. Sidewalks and gravity will always win and will make you their bitch if given the chance. (That, mixed with heels, vodka, sake bombs, shots, and beer, but I still contend it was the sidewalk's fault.)

3. If possible, make someone be in charge of taking pictures if you plan on getting blitzed since it will help chronicle your night. (Thanks to Missey and her ability to take over 200 pictures in a single evening.)

4. I am a klutz. Sober or drunk, I can trip on any surface, in any set of conditions. (Seriously. I'm surprised I've only ever broken one bone. Knock on wood.)

5. My family drives me absolutely nuts, but without them, I wouldn't be the well-adjusted, awesomeness that I am today. (I'm sure that they would argue that I am far from well-adjusted and awesome some days, but that just adds to the fact that they drive me nuts.)

6. I have decided to do what makes me happy in every aspect of my life. I have always thought of myself as an optimist, but I have found that I have to chose to be happy and find that happiness in my life. (This lesson was learned when my dad decided to be happy and divorce the creature from the black lagoon. Now, he's found his happiness.)

7. Friends are the universe's way of apologizing for the aforementioned family. My friends are my extended family, and as such, I would do anything for them. (Well, I do have my limits, but it can't hurt to ask.)

8. Hindsight is always 20/20 and your friends are more than likely right. The ability for a friend to take an objective look at your very subjective point of view is priceless. Red flags exist. Listen when your friends start waving them. (Friends have that outside perspective and your best interests at heart. Dig the honesty.)

9. Embrace your quirks. I am a klutz. I am sarcastic. I am stubborn. I have to get lemon with any form of Dr. Pepper in a restaurant. I don't like when people say "pop" when referring to soda. (Knowing that I'm a nerd at heart also lets my psyche relax and not take life so seriously.)

10. Life keeps getting better. Although my goals have changed, my life isn't what I expected when I thought of the future at 16, I have now have everything I never knew I always wanted. Life is unpredictable, but awesome all the same. Being 26 wears well on me.

Bachelorette Parties - The Pre-Game to Weddings

Katie's Bachelorette Party
Recently, I spent three glorious nights and days in the City of Sin for Katie-Palooza, Bachelorette Edition. From "All Because Two People Fell in Love" post, you'll know that Katie and Matt are getting married in June, so naturally a bachelorette party is in order. Being the faboosh people that we are, Las Vegas was the only appropriate venue for all the guests, bridesmaids and bride to convene for a weekend of debauchery.

Thursday arrived and I had a long day at work as Courtroom Deputy for oral arguments hearing judges talk about "drug trafficking via anal cavities" and when does one accept responsibility for said drugs when arrested and they are found on his person. Awesome. Get that image out of your head. With my mind swirling, I got to Vegas and started to drink, but this was after Sarah and I get chastised from the man with a walkie-talkie about not stepping over the chains for the taxi stand, Being so disgusted with the douche, I told the girls that we're going to a limo. So over it. But, as we were walking and talking (and drinking) I became very sleepy...to the point where I knew that I was about to get cranky bitch on everyone. So, I removed myself from the situation and went to bed early...which apparently, I missed the most drunken night for Katie because by the time that she rolled in, she was the drunk-mute Katie. Loves it.

On Friday, the Colorado gals and Erin went shopping while Katie slept off her hangover. When we were in a store and the clerks asked us what we were all in town for and we told them a bachelorette party, they would naturally ask, "Who's getting married?" Ahhh, well, she's back at the hotel sleeping off her hangover. "Oh, was the party last night?" Ahhh, no, it's tomorrow night. Awesome. By the way, when trying on a dress and some random dude handing a dress off to his SO (significant other) and tells you that you should buy the dress, buy it. That night, I demonstrated my dance (and falling skills) at Rain in the Palms...Awesome.



Saturday was a much more low-key evening with some drinking, but nothing near the drunken shenanigans that were from Friday night...although that would have been a feat...I have become a fan of miniature champagne bottles...they are easy to transport, have a screw on lid for easy storage and get a nice buzz going...delicious, too.

Ready to get over my hangover haze and get back to my bed of awesomeness, I boarded my flight and got an exit row to stretch out...it would have been a nice flight if it weren't for the three high school soccer teams that occupied the back of the plane. From the chit-chat, to the screams at take off and landing, those kids were far from appreciative that those on a flight home from Vegas are not as pumped as you that you're staying out late on a school night.

Kathryn's Bachelorette Party
The next weekend was the second of the two bachelorette parties for the two weddings that I am in this year. Kathryn and Ryan are set to tie the knot in May here in Colorado. Having the bride in town for various other wedding-related details, we decided that having all of the bridesmaids in town warranted a bridal shower and bachelorette party. This had a traditional shower with games and gifts, but then, we broke out the 80's dresses for the Ugly Bridesmaids portion of the evening...needless to say, we didn't walk alone because these things were hideous, hideously awesome. The good news for us was that although we were getting the stink eye from the other girls, we were clearly making fun of ourselves, whereas they were dressed to the nines and the best they will ever look. Joke's on you.



Kathryn's bachelorette party was perfect for the theme as she made herself a tulle tutu with bedazzled wife beater. Of course, we complimented the ensemble with genetalia....appropriate for embarrassment and to call attention to the fact that we were a bachelorette party. Funnily enough, some of the dresses we wore are VERY similar to ones I saw at Forever 21 this weekend...hmmmm....

Scouring the city for a dress that should be burned is hard to do. Although, I did find plenty of "Prairie Wear" or something that the Duggar's mom would wear. Note to self: Halloween costume idea "The Duggars".

These two weekend adventures made me realize that bachelorette parties really are the pre-gaming for the wedding. You'll see how your friends will interact if it's a mixed group, see how your friends handle their booze, and see how comfortable you are with male genitalia in public. Based on all three, I have a feeling that these weddings will be phenomenal.

Roots of All Evil

Contrary to my former step-mother's opinion, I am not the root of all evil. Through various life experiences, I have compiled a list of things that I deem the root of all evil that has transcended many periods of my life. Although, some of these are obviously after I turned 21. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it.) Oh, and I maintain that the formerly mentioned former step-mother is the Devil incarnate. (Burn.)

TV Marathons
As I sit watching all four Harry Potters at various points through the day, switching between an old season of America's Next Top Model, I realized that the only productive thing I have truly accomplished was making dinner, but there was a TV on in the background. The TV earns its nickname of the boob tube since I have no mental ability. I seem to always get sucked into marathons of Sex and the City, Band of Brothers, Harry Potter, America's Next Top Model, Romantic Comedies, Comedy movies in general, and VH1's Celebreality.

Antidote:
Turn the TV off or DVR what you really want to watch.

Facebook
Really, I can only think of "duh". I have been on that infernal creature since 2004 and have seen its many incarnations. I think that this website has turned the world into passive-aggressive over-sharers. (I realize the irony that, A) I am on Facebook and B) I am writing a blog about passive-aggressive behavior. I get it. Don't read too much into this social commentary. I digress.) I really didn't want to know those 25 things about you. I don't like being tagged in various cartoon interpretations of "Me & My Friends". I don't need you sending my application invitations all the time. But to the real reason that it is evil: the revelations that people find necessary to post in status updates and other peoples' walls. Think about who of your friends, of your friends' friends, the entire human population that could read it.

Antidote:
Well, if I had one and it wasn't such a pivotal role in my earning of a Ph.D. in stalking, I would have a better answer. I don't even have the strength to delete the iPhone app. I'm just waiting for the development of the 12-Step Program for social networking.

Drunk Dialing/Texting
We have all been perpetrators or victims to the drunk dial and text. Did tall have a good bite? No, probably not. Are there six s's in the word alcohol? Nope, not even close. The worst is the drunk dial voice mail turns the sweetest sober person into a surly porn star with the expletive laced messages that seem to happen after last call. I have a friend that has made drunk dialing an art form. Thankfully, with the advent of the smart phone comes the smart texting. This is a double-edged sword since it can predict words, but can also predict a word that is no where near the one your double-vision was trying to type. This is also only helpful if you spell out whole words instead of ROTFL K is drunk lol haha nite.

Antidote:
Step away from the phone after you are legally intoxicated. Unless you are telling people where to meet you, there is no reason to initiate contact with former flames or family members. (Guilty on both counts.) I would also like to formally petition for a Drunk Dialer Block app for the iPhone that requires some simple math/reaction testing to unlock the phone after midnight. Oh, and make sure that you try to type words out to avoid did tall have a good bite.

Poor Grammar
On the same front as the drunk texting, I find poor grammar and spelling appalling. I get that having a 9 key texting phone makes it more difficult to type long text messages, then call the person and settle the matter in seconds rather than me getting a text that I have to phonetically sound out several times to find out what the person is trying to say. If you seek Amy. If you seek Amy. If you seek Amy. Nope. Don't get it. F-U-C-K me I get. Although I have been guilty of the acronyms, it's more to annoy people than anything else. I also find that the break down in communication is a downfall of society for interpersonal relationships, but that's a whole other post.

Antidote:
Take the extra key strokes in emails and text messages to complete words and punctuation. It will save you in your professional life.

Alcohol That Doesn't Taste Like It
The Orange Slice Martini at The Keg was one of the more recent forays into the too delicious to get me drunk drinks that I have had as of late. Japanese Sex is the shot that I can have over and over without any bearing on the level of wasted I'll be in the short amount of time. It's these drinks that start the nights that end in the drunk dialing and texting as previously mentioned. These are also the nights that turn into days of comatose hangovers that leave one begging for death rather than the hell that their body produces in a rebellion against the alcohol consumption from the previous binge.

Antidote:
Scotch and soda or a whiskey on the rocks. You'll taste every bit of that alcohol. That made me vomit a little just thinking about it.

Rio Margaritas
I love love love the Rio margaritas. (Notice I used the limit of three loves.) The Rio has OK food, but people go for the margaritas. They're so good when they touch your lips. I'm a rocks with salt kind of girl, although a Strawberry Lite (it's not "lite", it's just half regular, half strawberry) and a Manberry (mango and strawberry) from time to time is delicious. It seems that every night that I have started at the Rio, I have had some sort of rowdy result...ah, it's so delicious and so evil at the same time.

Antidote:
Their limit of three is a good thing, but not if you get all your margaritas from multiple sources...I had six margaritas for my graduation party and didn't have to drink the rest of the night. The other antidote is decide where you're going to drink. You're going to get drunk at The Rio and stop or have one, maybe two, margaritas and then go out to drink. Combing the limit of three and going out to drink just spells disaster.


Re-reading this post before I post, I realize that I might want to print this out and hang it up as a reminder that I need to minimize the "evils" that I am guilty of perpetuating.

Denver Restaurant Week

For one week (this year is was extended to two weeks - AWESOME!) Denver restaurant host Denver Restaurant Week which has a select three-course menu (some restaurants have their whole menu, others specials, it varies.) available for $52.80 per couple (the quick math is $26.40 per person). The goal of this week for me is to hit up the great steakhouses and restaurants that have a typically expensive menu and indulge in succulent sirloins and tender filets. So, with that in mind, and one instance of mis-communication, I took advantage, fully. Below are my exploits:

Elway's - Tuesday, February 24th
Me, Missey, and Kalyn

AH-MAZE-ZING. First downtown parking is not ideal around the Ritz-Carlton, so to have complimentary valet was nice. Note to self, run the Camry through the wash before using valet at the Ritz. I had the sirloin and creme brulee. Steak was perfection and I appreciated the substitution from the dessert choices. That poor waiter didn't know what hit him when three women sat down and all ordered the steak. He kept up, though with our sarcastic banter. Kudos to you, Cute Waiter.

Del Frisco's - Thursday, February 26th
Me and Missey

So, Del Frisco's is one of two restaurants I would consider to be the "fanciest" in the city. (The other being The Capital Grille) It's an amazing steakhouse with amazing service. In fact, at the end of the meal the staff asks for your address and they send you a HANDWRITTEN thank you card. While waiting for our table to be ready, we sat in the comfortable (mostly because of the smoke) cigar bar and met two gentlemen that are regulars at Del's. (Must be nice.) They were impressed that Missey and I didn't need or want dates to enjoy the great deal for Restaurant Week. We also discussed the level of the restaurant based on it's bread offering and if they have a table scraper. If the restaurant has a fabric tablecloth, it can get covered with crumbs if your bread is crumbly soft. So, having the scraper while clearing the table between courses, we have determined, is the mark of a classy, high-end restaurant. The filet was cooked to perfection, and yes, those plates are 400 degrees. And our car was promptly returned from the complimentary valet. Although, if we rolled in a BMW, it would be closer. At least we weren't the ones in paint covered jeans, work boots, and a flannel. Kudos to you Del's.

Del Frisco's - Friday, February 27th
Me, my Aunt and Uncle, a/k/a Mr. 300

Having been at Del's the night before with Missey and having my Uncle having bowled a 300 on the previous Wednesday, I asked the manager refer to the reservation as Mr. 300 and to have everyone refer to my Uncle as Mr. 300. Having laid the groundwork, I arrived early so that I knew everything is place. Needless to say, the manager that I spoke to the night before had everything prepared. While we were enjoying another fabulous filet, all the managers on duty and the wait staff came up to Mr. 300 to shake his hand. My Uncle got a kick out of it. Another high point was another regular at Del's that said he and a few other regulars take bets on how much White Zinfendel they would sell during Restaurant Week. Kudo's to you, Mr. 300.

Elway's - Tuesday, March 3rd
Me, Amber, Chelsea, and Daisy

Having the Cam washed in the interim, I felt better about pulling into the valet. Check check. Checking in for the reservation, I told the hostess to let the other girls know that I would be in the bar. That was a little advanced for them, so they got snooty when we would get the people ourselves. Whatever. The other hard task was their ability to tell time. At 7:20, they said that our table would be ready in about 20 minutes. Ten minutes behind schedule isn't bad. However, when 8:15 rolls around and you have Ana and Daisy one glass of wine in and no food, you get a snooty table. Oh, well. We eventually got seated in the toddler's section. I say that because I don't think our waiter was really old enough to serve alcohol. He even slid around on the tile that was at the wait stand and into the kitchen. Every time Daisy and I heard it, we play the first notes of Bob Seger's Old Time Rock 'N Roll (from Risky Business) on our imaginary keyboards. The sirloin didn't disappoint once again. Daisy thought it sacrilegious to leave any morsel on our plates. The creme caramel was nice, but it's not creme brulee. I would go back just for that. Seriously. Kudo's to you, Joel Goodsen look-alike Waiter.

The Keg - Friday, March 6th
Me, Jessica & Kevin, Daisy & Kyle, Erin & Gaby, Amber, Tyrel, the Denver Minshalls Whitney and Lindsey, and Katie

Maybe it was because I had been to higher-end steakhouses, maybe it was the fact that our table had 12 people, or maybe it was the fact that my horoscope said that I would act like brat. In any case, I wouldn't pick The Keg unless it was for cocktails. From no salt & pepper on the table, to asking several times for bread, to the inability for 7 of the 12 steaks ordered to be cooked to their requested level, it was an all around shizz show. The menu says that the sirloin is so thick, that medium rare is the most it can be cooked. OK. That's fine, but then don't ask me how I want my steak done. I thought it would be implied. Then, when the steak arrives and it's rare, the rare order got the thinnest, smallest, medium-well/well, we're off on the bad footing. They do have steakhouse in the name, so I think that they are false advertising that they can indeed cook a steak. The company was great and I would never change that, I would just change the restaurant to Elway's or Del Frisco's. Kudos to you, B.O.D. (Two up top for Mr. Foley on that one. So, I guess a kudos to you as well.)


Denver Restaurant Week will always have its highs and lows. I think that the most successful restaurants will offer select menu items, not a specialized menu for the event. The point of Restaurant Week is to intice patrons based on your abilities, so go with your strong suits. Additionally, the staff should be prepared for the entire spectrum to walk through their doors. Barrels of White Zinfendel will fly of the wine racks and overly critical people will dissect every aspect. But that is what makes Denver Restaurant Week what it is and I have my calendar mark for next year.

I should also note that I am critical, but only have you have made blatent oversights, and I only drink White Zinfendel if it's from a box and hanging in a tree for camping.

Step Into The Time Machine...

At the end of January, I went to Seattle to visit my friend Ashley, or as I call her, Intense. After having to divert to Boise when Seattle has "fog", I finally got to see the City by the Sound. Ashley works in a quaint little coffee shop that is the front for an espresso catering company, Espresso Elegance. Having me addicted and all hopped up on whip cream with white chocolate sauce, we went to a great happy hour at a restaurant on the Sound. We played a round of She Needs Better Friends with a girl who was shamelessly flirting with a guy while having her tag and extra thread for her sweater hanging down her back. Thankfully, we were better strangers because Intense whipped out her Swiss Army Knife and asked to cut the offending tag for the girl. Her friends just laughed. She needs better friends.

The next day, we had a yummy brunch at a place I can't remember the name of at the moment. There, we eyed some eye candy as well as got the avoidance look around from a guy that Ashley knows, who we would later meet up with that night. Intense was excited that someone who was normal, funny, and social would see that Seattle is full of people that don't socialize, have no sense of humor, and to get "into" a group of friends, you have to know someone. After leaving the restaurant, the guys that we eyed previously happened to leave at the same time as us. As we stepped outside I said that I had special ordered the sunshine for Seattle (it's rare in the winter, in case you didn't know) all the way from Colorado. Cutie #1 interjected that he thought that he had made the order. I clarified that I am from and live in the great state of Colorado, so he must be mistaken. But alas, we are both from Colorado and both visiting. That explains why he interjected. It would have never happened from a true Seattle resident.


Picking up another white chocolate sauce laced latte from Ashley's shop, she took me to her favorite (now my favorite) overlook of the city. FYI, Seattle is hilly like San Francisco, so it's no wonder that the city shuts down when it ices. Notice the Space Needle and the sunshine.

That evening, we went to a wine bar and enjoyed a nice flight with a Cabernet Sauvignon. On our way to the restaurant, we drove by the first Nordstrom department store. It started as a shoe store, which is why I love it so...

Later, we met some lovely gents from the UK. One of which is named Edward. We had to explain that while he was in the States, he need to go by Edward, not Ed, and that he should just introduce himself as Edward Cullen because the women would swoon. If you've read Twilight, much less the whole series, you would have swoon six times already.

For some hangover food on Sunday before my flight back, Ashley wanted Thai and so we drove ALL OVER the city for over an hour trying to find her preferred places for Thai. Finally, we found one in the Alley at Pike Place Market. It was delightful and totally worth the driving around, but that could have been the hunger and hangover talking. Not to mention the hike of death up from parking to get up to the level of the market.


All in all, Seattle is a great place to visit, but I feel as though I am too social to have to qualify myself to strangers to be nice and have a conversation with.

Intense should return soon from her penance in Seattle. I think she's done enough time to become a saint.

I almost forgot! Ashley also took me on a mini-tour of the sites from 10 Things I Hate About You. The troll under the bridge has its nails painted now.

All Because Two People Fell in Love

I'm apparently at "that time in my life" where all my friends are getting married. I used to have a previous rule that I would only go to three weddings per year (even though there may be more I was invited to, between schedules and travel, I could only make it to three). However, this last year, my friends have been getting engaged and planning weddings at an alarming rate. So, now it seems that as long as there's a multiple of three (thanks Delta Delta Delta) I seem to be able to make it.

Weddings for the 2009 Season:

May 16th
My Grandmother & Perry
Shalom Springs, AR
His last name is Sanders, and yes, he looks like the Colonel.

May 30th
Kathryn & Ryan
Morrison, CO
The future Mrs. K-Mart.

June 20th
Katie & Matt
Pittsburgh, PA
The man learned to scrapbook to propose. Awesome.

August 8th
Christy & Quintin
Casper, WY
This is the elusive couple.

September 13th
Cheyenne & Nick
Castle Pines, CO
These two are too cute.

December 17th-ish
Florida
My Dad & Sharon
She's the Peanut Butter to his Jelly.

Weddings for the 2010 Season (thus far):
June 4th
Jessica & Kevin
Cape Cod, MA
My favorite cocktail and future vacation spot.

(I couldn't help but format that section like a wedding invitation)

This year I am officially a Maid of Honor for Katie and a Bridesmaid for Kathryn, but I'm also unofficially Best Woman for my Dad - it will be official once I tell him.

As I have said to my friends before, I have rules for getting married. (In case you haven't figured it out, I have opinions and I'm not afraid to share them.) Being single and without children, you can take the "advice" or "opinions" with a grain of salt (and a shot of tequila).

Ana's Rules for Weddings (Revised March 2009):

1. There will be a marriage after the wedding. Don't lose focus of the purpose of the vows. No one, except for you, will notice that the bows on the back of the chairs were taffeta instead of chiffon.
2. If you want the input of the groom, give him some choices, not complete freedom because you know that you will probably end up choosing something else anyway.
3. Consider your guests when picking a date. Granted, the day is about you, but if you want to share the day with others, it's something to look at since they will need to make travel plans and possibly time away from work.
   
4. We're getting to age where a "plus one" is implied. I get that some venues/budgets/etc. are smaller, but unless you are planning on being a matchmaker for all the singles at your wedding and sitting them altogether, then at least give the guest a chance to be the loser without a date before you tell them that they're not in a "significant [enough] relationship" to warrant a "plus one" on the guest list. You know who you are, brides. ;)
5. Unless you are the super religious Duggars, please serve some sort of alcohol at your wedding. I know that this makes me sound like a lush, (perhaps) but your guests may like a glass of wine or beer and the best memories I have from weddings are after the cocktail hour is over.
6. Said alcohol should be gratis (open) for at least a portion of the time. This will also act as a pacer for guests to not overindulge if you change over to a cash bar.
   
7. For the guests: In regards to #5, make sure that if you imbibe that you are responsible. I have made that mistake once and have tried to prevent that since. There's a photographer and others with minds like steel traps that will remind you at the next wedding that you were fighting over a wine bottle on the dance floor. (I know. I'm classy.)
   
8. Another one for the female guests: Consider your ensemble's color. Unless it's an evening, formal wedding (read: black or white tie), don't wear black, it looks like you are in mourning. A bright pashmina for a punch of color only works if you keep it on the whole time. On the other end of the spectrum, it's a little afronting to wear a mostly white dress. It may seem passe, but really, you will stick out like a sore thumb on the dancefloor. Pick colors appropriate for the season. Black and white together are OK, just make sure that it's equal parts black and white.

I'm sure that I have more, but really, this covers the major bases.

Having said that, I am also excited for the Bachelorette Parties in the next two weeks!! The Future Mrs. Hipps' in Vegas and the Future Mrs. Martin's Ugly Wedding Party!!

A Night on the Five Points Side of Town

Venturing away from the Larimer Square side of town and LoDo area, my girls and I went to the Five Points area of downtown for the bar scene on Saturday night. (NOTE: Five Points isn't near where these bars are, but they're not quite LoDo, so that's why they get the unfair moniker of Five Points.) We chose The Gin Mill for reasons that since we were at a party (it was a classy celebration for an acquaintance that just received his Professional Engineer License) that we might as well try The Gin Mill since that's where everyone else was going. What can I say? We're suckers for peer pressure.

The Gin Mill is a nice hole in the wall-ish type bar with an outside, heated smoking section and two bars with lots of space in between. The mix of people is eclectic, but totally a good vibe. They play a great mix of rock, pop, hip-hop and some moldy oldies that everyone can sing along to. All in all, I'll go back there, for sure. (Well, I was back there since I went to Trickernation for Halloween, but The Gin Mill of normalcy resembles very little of The Gin Mill for Trickernation. I digress.)

While enjoying our adult beverages, Heather and I were dancing up a storm and holding tryouts for our dance team. We have two new members: Mike (new favorite roommate award as well) and Tyler, the high-kicking, mild creeper. Although, we don't think that Tyler will come to anymore practices.

Here are some of the highlights of the tryouts:

• Tyler: Although he had the moves and was on beat with a different song, the one move that got him on the team was the impromptu high kick. Impressive in designer jeans and a crowded bar without casualties. Except for the biting. Not cool.
  

• Mike: Homeboy has skills. From turns, to dancing with others, to lip syncing, he's got it all. Welcome to the team, Mike. Heather and I greet you with open arms on the dance floor.

• Find the Beat Brunette: You may have not consciously tried out for the team, but Heather and I are always recruiting, regardless, you didn't make the cut. You were always a half beat off and that half beat wasn't even to the song that was playing. And, poor thing, it only got worse as other people tried to dance with you. She needs better friends.

There were two other points in the night that stuck out in my mind:

While dancing with Tyler, a blond at the next table was very interested in Mr. Tyler. When he wasn't dancing with us - taking a breather since he's not as rock star as Heather and me - she would try chatting him up. While he had his back turned to her texting, she looks at me dead in the eye, reaches over and grabs Tyler's ass. Good one, sweetheart. If you haven't noticed that Heather and I are pointing and laughing at Tyler most of the night and telling him "Inappropriate", we aren't interested. He's all yours. High kicks, biting, and all.

The second part was when Missey was being polite to another party-goer that we were talking to about going to The Gin Mill, she said, "Well, I guess we'll see you later then." His reply was, "Nope. Probably not. I have a girlfriend." Wait, what??? When did being polite and friendly turn into hitting on a guy? And home slice, you need to check yourself because your paunchy ass has too big of an ego.

Also, this reminds me, Heather, we need to go to the Fort to have our official casting via New Belgium postcards.

She Needs WAAAAAAYYYYY Better Friends

So, at a random night at a suburban bar, there is the great chance for people watching, or as I call it, She Needs Better Friends.

While at the bar, I noticed a couple that was a little to close with some movements a little to resembling a base...but since everyone plays a different version, let's just say it was hands on.

The whole while, naturally, I call other peoples' attention to the developing situation. The bartenders were great at also giving them hell and calling more peoples' attention to the situation. The whole while we were giving the slow clap and other various shouts of encouragement and of course I, SHE NEEDS WAAAAYYYYYY BETTER FRIENDS.

Throughout the whole ordeal, I kept looking for other people that were talking to the girl and it didn't look like anyone was there with her. I thought that she may have been left or, poor thing, actually there with this mutton-chopped fool. Come the end of the night, though, we found her friends. They were girls that had their backs to the offender the whole night and were giving her the stink eye the whole time. Awesome friends.

So, in summation, be a better friend when you see your friend act a fool.


In a related note, leggings are not for everyone. Take note.

Ride Right - Do You Know What That Means?

So, here's the principles of "Ride Right":

When you are driving on the highway, you are supposed to ride in the farthest right-hand lane as traffic flows for the speed that you are going. You are also supposed to stay in that lane, except to pass.

When riding in the far left lane, a/k/a the "Fast Lane", you should be going with traffic, regardless of the speed limit.

Now, here's where the "Ride Right" comes into play. It is not your responsibility to police other people's driving habits by driving the speed limit in the left lane. That is left for the Police. Hence the name. Let other people drive in the left lane at their chosen speed and get your slow driving ass in the right hand lane.

Oh, and while on the subject of traffic, the road was designed by people far smarter than you and have banked it accordingly for the rate of speed and weight of the vehicle. Trust that physics will always win and you don't have to slam on your brakes to make the curve of the highway.