From my previous post of Things I Have Learned in My 26 Years, I have had my fair share of falls. I am naturally clumsy and have lost my battle with gravity on more than one occasion. And those occasions? Are sober. (Not all, but I have been falling since I was a kid.)
I do attribute my lack of balance to genetics, mostly. My research indicates that my mother has a tough time with balance (Company Christmas Party from 2003 - Dance Floor + Cosmos = my mom) and comparatively so with my maternal grandpa who actually had a diagnosis of an inner ear problem. (See, I'm not crazy.)
I will take you through my worst, and perhaps funniest losses with gravity.
(There aren't a lot of memories I have of falling before 1991, but I can assure you that I fell. A lot.)
1991 - Lowell Blvd between 104th and 103rd
So, I was stellar at riding my sweet Schwinn bike. It was pink and awesome. For anyone who has lived in the suburbs of Denver, it is surprisingly hilly. You would never know that your street was really a 12% grade decline because you thought it is just an awesome street to ride down. I was on one of those streets (Lowell) when, somehow, once I started to go fast, I mixed up my braking ability with my ability to flail about uncontrollably. A screech of tires and slam of me and my awesome pink bike into the rocks and fence later, I had one of the most painful injuries I can remember: skinning my palms. With a piece of gravel in it. OUCH is right. I still have the scar from that fall on my palm. I swear I am having phantom pains just reliving it right now.
1993 - Noah's Ark (Shout out) After School
I can remember this day vividly. I was lining up to go outside to play and I saw that I needed to tie my shoe. So, naturally instead of just squatting down to tie it, I swing my foot up onto the piano bench next to me. Not being able to gauge my placement of my foot, I put weight behind it to balance myself to tie my shoe. Bad judge of distance. I only had my toes on the bench and the resulting force caused my shin to slide down the edge of the bench. Since there's no muscle on your actual shin, there was no bleeding, just a stinging of white. To this day, I have a divot in my shin from the chunk the piano bench took out.
1994 - My Grandmother's House
So I was helping my Grandmother take groceries in the house from the Bronco. (Yep. I remember the car. It was red, in case you care.) Anyways, I was standing still, not moving, not holding anything, and my ankle gives out. One emergency trip later (since I was in Belen, NM, home of the Tastee Freeze and my first Cherry Limeade from Sonic - I told you I have vivid memories of injuries.) I have a sprained ankle. From just standing there. On two feet. Awesome.
1995 - Rockies Game at Mile High
Walking through the parking lot, I was weaving in and out of cars...somehow, I manage to pass a license plate a little too closely and instead of grazing with my knee and getting a rug burn type encounter, I manage to stumble, bend the corner of the plate and slice open my knee. We missed the first couple of innings so that I could get First Aid at the stadium. Yes, with this one, I still have the scar. And a vivid image of the flesh under skin.
1996 - Science Class with Mr. McAllister
Being the kiss ass that I was (some may argue "am"), I was passing papers back to people. I was walking past Stephanie Koutavous (memory like a steel trap) and thought that I had side stepped her foot, I manage to get tangled up in my own. From there, instead of catching myself, brace myself on a desk inches from either side, I land square on my knees. So, I manage to create a "BOOM" with my knees on the elevated floor and I get two baseball sized bruises on both knees. In middle school, I was completely embarrassed that I had bruises on my knees. Ridicule ensues.
(I'm guessing the void in embarrassing memories from this point until my next memory is due to the fact that middle school and high school are a blur for the fact that I have pushed most memories of the awkwardness from my mind.)
2004 - Outside the Business School at Colorado State
So, being in my final semester and having three part-time jobs (two of which I was PAYING to do, one of which I was slated to do - thank you, Delta Delta Delta) I thought that I would bring my books to campus and study in between classes and when I was "working". Please note: This is COMPLETELY out of character for me. Attending class and studying in advance of a test is a feat of Olympic proportions in my world. So having a loaded down backpack, I proceed down the steps (looking back, I am thankful that I wasn't leaving until after the next class started). I miss a step (perception is a problem - demonstrated) and proceed to somersault forward down the stairs landing on my back. Having been the prepared student, all of my books in my backpack essentially created a turtle shell on my back. So as I am trying to rock side to side to get up, I really look like a turtle who can't turn over. I'll let you picture that one for a second. I did leave this tumble without a mark, though.
2005 - Outside Public House (my former second home)
I am awesome. Let's start there. Next, we'll introduce alcohol, my favorite bartenders, heels and steep cement stairs. As previously mentioned, I have the grace and balance of a ballerina, so adding alcohol makes all the more enjoyable to see me. I am at the top of the stairs facing the door as we are getting ready to hail a cab home. I should mention that as the bars close in Denver, the cops are stationed (both on and off duty) around the bars to make sure that the crowds don't get out of hand. So, I'm at the top of the stairs, on the edge. As I turn to look at someone or something, I manage to move my right stiletto heel a millimeter enough that when I go to put pressure on my heel again, I can sense that there is something about to happen. (Cue the Culture Club's "I'll Tumble 4 Ya") I manage to somersault backwards down the six steps and stand up...naturally, like Kerry Strug. I also manage to make eye contact with the cops watching me, point to them and say, "Don't worry! I'm not driving!", turn around, hail a cab and take my bruised self home. Classic. And to all my witnesses, thank you for never letting me forget and for giving your play-by-play when we reenact the whole thing.
2008 - The Elevator of My Building
I had thrown out my back the day before kicking my laundry basket in the door to my apartment. Being a in miserable state, my mother came to aide me and get me set up for the day since I would not be moving. (There is a time-released muscle relaxer involved.) I should also mention that with pain medication I get the worst of the side effects. So, after going downstairs to get a quick bagel, I am riding my elevator because I have an overwhelming nauseous feeling. As I look up at the elevator making it to the 2nd floor (I lived on 4) I then wake up on the floor of the elevator between the hallway and the elevator. I have a cut face and black eye from the door tracks, and the relentless elevator door is slamming on my leg. Over. And over. And over. Thankfully, I didn't have any scars on my money maker, but seven months later, I still have the bruise on my leg. From. The. Damn. Door.
2009 - My Birthday on the Sidewalks of Denver
To be fair, I had on platform, 5" heels. And several cocktails. And I still think I defy gravity. Anyways, I stumble my way to the cab from the bar that I was "asked" to leave. From there, I look at my knee once I'm home and sure enough, there's a huge raspberry of where my intact knee was. Two months later, I have the makings of what I assume will be a scar.
2009 - Kitchen Table/Harry's Water and Food Bowl
This happened yesterday and is the inspiration for this post. I was opening my mail and as I went to sit down on my chair, or where I thought my chair was (distance once again) - thinking back, why would my chair be all the way to the left, not in the center, where it usually is? Anyways, I go to sit and realize too late that I am no where near my chair, but positioned over my dog's water and food bowls. So, left cheek in the water, right cheek on the food, right elbow on the chair (where the chair should be) and left elbow on the bookcase. I now have nice semi-circles of different sizes on my ass and bruises along the length of my arms since my elbows were bent allowing for more surface area to bruise in a small amount of space. I am now learning how I really sit on my butt and how often my elbows touch things.
I think after writing this, I have a perception problem more than a klutz problem. I cannot judge distance and therefore my abilities to navigate through life are skewed and definitely troublesome when coupled with gravity. C'est la vie. At least I know First Aid and have the ability to laugh at myself.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Take a Memo...
Ms. Mother Nature
North American Continent
Northern Hemisphere
Planet Earth
RE: Changing Seasons and Planetary Orbits
Dear Mother Nature:
As of late, the northern hemisphere, and more specifically on the North American Continent in the general locality of Denver, Colorado (39.45 lat, 105.0 long) has been experiencing some uncharacteristic weather. While we realize that it is indeed Colorado and the weather patterns can change immensely from day to day, we feel as though the weather patterns that have included inches and FEET of snow in the month of April is getting out of hand. Colorado does have a history of late winter/spring blizzards, but those occur in the month of March.
After many centuries of calculating the rotation of the Earth around the sun, taking into account the orbital path, the tilt of the Earth on its axis, and its relative position to the sun, scientists the world over agree that the Vernal Equinox signifies the Earth's point in its orbit that begins the northern hemisphere's "tilt" towards the sun. This means that, for the inhabitants of the northern hemisphere, days become longer and the weather is generally warmer. That said, snow is not warm.
Finding that a snowstorm has blanketed a major metropolitan area overnight that was not forecasted presents several challenges for residents in the area. Spring in Colorado already presents its challenges as it can swing more than 40 degrees in a day from sunrise to sunset. Adding to that the need for extra layers, wet weather gear, and a Monday morning rush hour commute creates an unnecessary toll on these residents.
If you feel that you have received this message in error, this office is willing to explore the possibility of weather forecasting to be a joke on society and that all meteorologists are frauds. However, if you find this letter to be, what we assume to be, an oversight on your part, please take immediate corrective action to cease and desist all snow in the Denver Metro area until Halloween of 2009, which is generally accepted as around the time that the first snow comes for Colorado.
Warm regards,
Ana O.
Office of Snow in April Can Suck It
Denver, CO
North American Continent
Northern Hemisphere
Planet Earth
RE: Changing Seasons and Planetary Orbits
Dear Mother Nature:
As of late, the northern hemisphere, and more specifically on the North American Continent in the general locality of Denver, Colorado (39.45 lat, 105.0 long) has been experiencing some uncharacteristic weather. While we realize that it is indeed Colorado and the weather patterns can change immensely from day to day, we feel as though the weather patterns that have included inches and FEET of snow in the month of April is getting out of hand. Colorado does have a history of late winter/spring blizzards, but those occur in the month of March.
After many centuries of calculating the rotation of the Earth around the sun, taking into account the orbital path, the tilt of the Earth on its axis, and its relative position to the sun, scientists the world over agree that the Vernal Equinox signifies the Earth's point in its orbit that begins the northern hemisphere's "tilt" towards the sun. This means that, for the inhabitants of the northern hemisphere, days become longer and the weather is generally warmer. That said, snow is not warm.
Finding that a snowstorm has blanketed a major metropolitan area overnight that was not forecasted presents several challenges for residents in the area. Spring in Colorado already presents its challenges as it can swing more than 40 degrees in a day from sunrise to sunset. Adding to that the need for extra layers, wet weather gear, and a Monday morning rush hour commute creates an unnecessary toll on these residents.
If you feel that you have received this message in error, this office is willing to explore the possibility of weather forecasting to be a joke on society and that all meteorologists are frauds. However, if you find this letter to be, what we assume to be, an oversight on your part, please take immediate corrective action to cease and desist all snow in the Denver Metro area until Halloween of 2009, which is generally accepted as around the time that the first snow comes for Colorado.
Warm regards,
Ana O.
Office of Snow in April Can Suck It
Denver, CO
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Tao of Clairee & Ouiser, Romy & Michelle, and Elle.
While I pride myself in being original, witty, and funny, recently, I have found that my life can be summed up by quotes from three movies: Steel Magnolias, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, and Legally Blonde.
There might be variances, but for the most part, you can tell what movie they come from.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." See "She's Needs Better Friends."
"Miss Truvy, I promise my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." Excuses I make at work.
"I would recognize that penmanship anywhere. You have the handwriting of a serial killer." Colin's handwriting.
"Pink is my signature color." Duh.
"You are a boil on the butt of humanity." What I say to attorneys in Oklahoma.
"I used to think that you were a glutton for punishment, then I realized you are on a mission from God." To my dad about the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
"The only difference between us and the animals is our ability to accessorize." Accessories make the ensemble.
"Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize that it is marching across your face." Salty face wrinkles.
"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." That's what she said.
"Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right." Because I know random shizz and I'm right.
"You're the Rhoda. You're the Jewish one." Holler, Rachel.
"Fuck off Toby." Insert your name here.
"This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy." What happens with empire waists.
"You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny." She needs better friends.
"You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think." My general attitude towards asshats.
"That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that." Whatever you have to tell yourself into delusion.
"Ow. That hurt, but it looked really good." Because anything worth doing is worth hurting yourself. See also: my shoes.
"I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life." It's what I do for a living, so naturally, my lexicon will abound with useless words.
"What? Like it's hard?" My approach that I can do anything.
"If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were. " My advice to all of my BUBs.
"Beeennnnddd and snap." It works every time.
"So what does Vivian have besides you? Three tits?" My advice to my girls when they get a little green.
"I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood." Let us steadfastly love one another, bitches.
"Could I be any more goddamn spastic?" I am a klutz.
So, really, I'm a plagiarizer, but whatever. Because I? Am awesome. (Thanks, Jen Lancaster.)
There might be variances, but for the most part, you can tell what movie they come from.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." See "She's Needs Better Friends."
"Miss Truvy, I promise my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." Excuses I make at work.
"I would recognize that penmanship anywhere. You have the handwriting of a serial killer." Colin's handwriting.
"Pink is my signature color." Duh.
"You are a boil on the butt of humanity." What I say to attorneys in Oklahoma.
"I used to think that you were a glutton for punishment, then I realized you are on a mission from God." To my dad about the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
"The only difference between us and the animals is our ability to accessorize." Accessories make the ensemble.
"Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize that it is marching across your face." Salty face wrinkles.
"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." That's what she said.
"Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right." Because I know random shizz and I'm right.
"You're the Rhoda. You're the Jewish one." Holler, Rachel.
"Fuck off Toby." Insert your name here.
"This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy." What happens with empire waists.
"You look so good with blonde hair and black roots it's not even funny." She needs better friends.
"You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think." My general attitude towards asshats.
"That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that." Whatever you have to tell yourself into delusion.
"Ow. That hurt, but it looked really good." Because anything worth doing is worth hurting yourself. See also: my shoes.
"I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life." It's what I do for a living, so naturally, my lexicon will abound with useless words.
"What? Like it's hard?" My approach that I can do anything.
"If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were. " My advice to all of my BUBs.
"Beeennnnddd and snap." It works every time.
"So what does Vivian have besides you? Three tits?" My advice to my girls when they get a little green.
"I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood." Let us steadfastly love one another, bitches.
"Could I be any more goddamn spastic?" I am a klutz.
So, really, I'm a plagiarizer, but whatever. Because I? Am awesome. (Thanks, Jen Lancaster.)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Why Being Single in the Suburbs Sucks
So, as every woman should, I went to my annual appointment. (Don't worry, I'm only going to talk about interactions, not the actual appointment.) Having my doctor in the suburbs, it is convenient for appointments since they are on the way to work or home from work. However, this can bring out the preggers and Stepford Wives in droves. Being an urban girl (in my head if not in locality) I have a tough time being a single girl in the suburbs. Here are my observations:
- There should be two waiting rooms: one for the preggers and one for the non-preggers. I don't want to hear about your dialation or your labor pains while I'm harnessing my chi for my own appointment.
- There should be two exits: one for the preggers (through their waiting room) and one for the non-preggers (through their waiting room). I don't need the stares at my belly to see if I'm pregnant and when I joke with the front counter with "Yay for no babies!" from everyone when I exit.
- The appointment has a lot of questioning that happens beforehand and before the exam. If you're not having sex, they make you sound desperate, like, "Why are you in here getting birth control if you're not knocking boots?" If you are having sex, then it's, "With your boyfriend? Fiance?" And if you pause (because you weren't expecting to define a relationship while sitting on a paper covered table holding a cotton ball to your finger after they prick you - OUCH! - for iron, much less with the actual person) the line of questioning halts and they make eye contact until you answer, stuttering, "Ahhhh, well, I, uh, see, well I wouldn't necessarily....[trail off]" Then it's into, "And you're using condoms?" (NOTE TO SELF: Be prepared for the Spanish Inquisition on EVERYTHING and DO NOT PAUSE while you think of the answer.) And then, you get to review it AGAIN with the doctor because it was the PA who just grilled you like a hamburger on a hot summer day.
- If you have a heart condition, be prepared during the Inquisition. When asked, "What's your living situtation? Are you living with your boyfriend?" (I shoot the look of, "We just touched on that topic and if I'm not willing to add a definition there, what makes you think we would be LIVING together?) Calmly answer: "Ah, no. I live _________. And thank you for the heart palipations when I had to consider living with them."
- Going back to the finger pricking, make sure that you know how you type on a keyboard for work. They typically go towards the pinky side of the finger tip which, coincidentally, is the surface of the finger that most people type with. Double OUCH!
- Know that even though you filled out the questionnaire and asked for the ring finger to be pricked, the PA, and doctor for that matter, will ask you all of those questions, even though you indicated you DIDN'T want to talk about - even, "Are you worried about fertility?" (What?! Should I be?! I am perfectly happy with the level of fertility I have right now - NONE! Are you saying that I am old?! You just heard my "relationship status", why would you think that I WANT to be pregnant. See Point 1.) - again and ignore your request and prick your index finger anyway.
- As you leave, you realize that you just PAID to have someone get to second base with you without so much as buying you dinner.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Snow Day, Schmo Day - Doubter McNon-Believerton proven WRONG.
Here are my observations as a native Coloradoan at a "Spring Storm" (read: blizzard) after I was Doubter McNon-Believerton about the forecasters crying, "Wolf!":
Update: They - "they" being the no-talent ass clowns that predicted no snow most of the winter, then we would get pounded, but today "redeemed" themselves - are saying we have received 10" of snow here...but the drifts are WAY over a foot. (That's a 12" ruler.)
- What the hell is "winter-like" weather? When you say it's a blizzard outside and the worst snowstorms in Denver are in March, I would say that's straight up WINTER WEATHER.
- If you think you are being a Good Samaritan by parking in an open lane of traffic and running in front of cars that are trying to keep their forward motion so that they don't get stuck forces them to stop and to then GET STUCK. You're right, you are going to push my car forward while you make everyone behind me do the same thing.
- Why, if the City closes and snow plows are not the roads, do you require that your employees stay at work until the last possible moment and the weather and roads are so bad it takes three times longer to get home? And don't get me started on the face that my "snow day" is really annual leave. (At least I am not at the office listening to One-Downer complaining about riding the bus in and her kids being at home alone. That is actually worth its weight in GOLD.)
- I'm glad that I didn't pack my winter clothes at the bottom of some box. When I had to suit up to go back out in the snow (after trekking to the house in my work clothes and Uggs through knee-deep snow) just to move my car out of the way in traffic, it was nice of the guy in the truck to stop get out, ask me if I was going to be long, then get back in the truck. Thanks, asshat. I clearly wasn't shoveling snow around my car so that I can have pristine space around my car in a BLIZZARD.
- I'm going to go ahead and say that since we pay close to $500 in HOA fees, gets your asses out to plow and shovel my drive. The snow wasn't that bad when it started falling, so where were you then? I know that the roads suck, but you have a SNOW PLOW on the front of your truck. Use it.
Update: They - "they" being the no-talent ass clowns that predicted no snow most of the winter, then we would get pounded, but today "redeemed" themselves - are saying we have received 10" of snow here...but the drifts are WAY over a foot. (That's a 12" ruler.)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Why I Am Not Quite Ready For Children
Disclaimer: I do want children AT SOME POINT in my life. I do not have ANYTHING against children or their parents, just as a collective sub-culture....more specifically, the Stepford Wife sub-culture that exists in the suburbs. I have a feeling that karma will kick me in the ass, but that's karma. Oh, and I know that a lot of what I have a problem with is the parenting of the child, so let's be honest that I am not ready for that responsibility.
On my drive into work today, I arrived at a three way stop. I was the car to the right, as well as the one coming down a hill. (For those of you not picking up what I am laying down, I had the right of way to the school bus to my left.) So, as I go to enter the intersection, the bus starts going forward, too. I yield, and as the bus driver passes, she stares me down with the stink eye as if I just committed a cardinal sin by trying to take my right of way in front of a school bus. Here are my issues:
Another reason that I'm not quite ready for children: Vacation. My co-workers, and many others in the office must account for time off based upon their children's school schedule. Spring break being a prime example. While I'm sure that I'll want to spend time with my children, I don't want some third-party (their school district) telling me when I get a break from work for a possible vacation. On the same note, having to use sick leave for the kids' doctor's appointments also chaps my hide.
Thirdly, I like nice things. Kids don't know what to do with nice things. Enter the cousin's kids that run about, ripping things, getting their grubby hands over everything, throwing things about with care, generally just blatant disregard for the value of treating objects with care. I don't let them use my Wii without being supervised.
I also like to spend money exactly when and where I want it. Trip to Vegas? Done. Day at the spa? Done. Buying yet another pair of shoes? Done. Buying diapers? Hells no. I am a single and selfish. While the two are not synonymous, they both apply to me. I know that I am harsh, but I've never denied being a bitch. I still maintain that if I like you, I'm just a bitch with a bleeding heart.
I would also conjecture that my blog is reason enough that I'm not ready for children of my own. Oh, well. It's my life as I choose to live it right now.
On my drive into work today, I arrived at a three way stop. I was the car to the right, as well as the one coming down a hill. (For those of you not picking up what I am laying down, I had the right of way to the school bus to my left.) So, as I go to enter the intersection, the bus starts going forward, too. I yield, and as the bus driver passes, she stares me down with the stink eye as if I just committed a cardinal sin by trying to take my right of way in front of a school bus. Here are my issues:
- Just because you drive school children around in a big yellow bus does not mean that you rule the road.
- Clearly, the big yellow school bus would kick my Camry's ass. Knowing this, I would not tango with you. (It's like idiots that play chicken with the LightRail trains downtown.)
- You should consider that you are driving children around without proper restraints as required in other vehicles while CLEARLY not paying attention to the road in an excess of 5 seconds while giving me the stink eye. Pay attention to the road. (Refer to my previous post that your bus does not have "Police" on the side.)
- You drive a school bus for a living. I win. (Burn.)
Another reason that I'm not quite ready for children: Vacation. My co-workers, and many others in the office must account for time off based upon their children's school schedule. Spring break being a prime example. While I'm sure that I'll want to spend time with my children, I don't want some third-party (their school district) telling me when I get a break from work for a possible vacation. On the same note, having to use sick leave for the kids' doctor's appointments also chaps my hide.
Thirdly, I like nice things. Kids don't know what to do with nice things. Enter the cousin's kids that run about, ripping things, getting their grubby hands over everything, throwing things about with care, generally just blatant disregard for the value of treating objects with care. I don't let them use my Wii without being supervised.
I also like to spend money exactly when and where I want it. Trip to Vegas? Done. Day at the spa? Done. Buying yet another pair of shoes? Done. Buying diapers? Hells no. I am a single and selfish. While the two are not synonymous, they both apply to me. I know that I am harsh, but I've never denied being a bitch. I still maintain that if I like you, I'm just a bitch with a bleeding heart.
I would also conjecture that my blog is reason enough that I'm not ready for children of my own. Oh, well. It's my life as I choose to live it right now.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Things I Have Learned In My 26 Years...
1. Refrain from starting a sentence with, "Back when I was a virgin..." in a conversation with your mother. (Yep. I'm that awesome. Especially when my mom's face was like a deer in headlights. Thankfully, my grandma didn't have her hearing aids in.)
2. Sidewalks and gravity will always win and will make you their bitch if given the chance. (That, mixed with heels, vodka, sake bombs, shots, and beer, but I still contend it was the sidewalk's fault.)
3. If possible, make someone be in charge of taking pictures if you plan on getting blitzed since it will help chronicle your night. (Thanks to Missey and her ability to take over 200 pictures in a single evening.)
4. I am a klutz. Sober or drunk, I can trip on any surface, in any set of conditions. (Seriously. I'm surprised I've only ever broken one bone. Knock on wood.)
5. My family drives me absolutely nuts, but without them, I wouldn't be the well-adjusted, awesomeness that I am today. (I'm sure that they would argue that I am far from well-adjusted and awesome some days, but that just adds to the fact that they drive me nuts.)
6. I have decided to do what makes me happy in every aspect of my life. I have always thought of myself as an optimist, but I have found that I have to chose to be happy and find that happiness in my life. (This lesson was learned when my dad decided to be happy and divorce the creature from the black lagoon. Now, he's found his happiness.)
7. Friends are the universe's way of apologizing for the aforementioned family. My friends are my extended family, and as such, I would do anything for them. (Well, I do have my limits, but it can't hurt to ask.)
8. Hindsight is always 20/20 and your friends are more than likely right. The ability for a friend to take an objective look at your very subjective point of view is priceless. Red flags exist. Listen when your friends start waving them. (Friends have that outside perspective and your best interests at heart. Dig the honesty.)
9. Embrace your quirks. I am a klutz. I am sarcastic. I am stubborn. I have to get lemon with any form of Dr. Pepper in a restaurant. I don't like when people say "pop" when referring to soda. (Knowing that I'm a nerd at heart also lets my psyche relax and not take life so seriously.)
10. Life keeps getting better. Although my goals have changed, my life isn't what I expected when I thought of the future at 16, I have now have everything I never knew I always wanted. Life is unpredictable, but awesome all the same. Being 26 wears well on me.
2. Sidewalks and gravity will always win and will make you their bitch if given the chance. (That, mixed with heels, vodka, sake bombs, shots, and beer, but I still contend it was the sidewalk's fault.)
3. If possible, make someone be in charge of taking pictures if you plan on getting blitzed since it will help chronicle your night. (Thanks to Missey and her ability to take over 200 pictures in a single evening.)
4. I am a klutz. Sober or drunk, I can trip on any surface, in any set of conditions. (Seriously. I'm surprised I've only ever broken one bone. Knock on wood.)
5. My family drives me absolutely nuts, but without them, I wouldn't be the well-adjusted, awesomeness that I am today. (I'm sure that they would argue that I am far from well-adjusted and awesome some days, but that just adds to the fact that they drive me nuts.)
6. I have decided to do what makes me happy in every aspect of my life. I have always thought of myself as an optimist, but I have found that I have to chose to be happy and find that happiness in my life. (This lesson was learned when my dad decided to be happy and divorce the creature from the black lagoon. Now, he's found his happiness.)
7. Friends are the universe's way of apologizing for the aforementioned family. My friends are my extended family, and as such, I would do anything for them. (Well, I do have my limits, but it can't hurt to ask.)
8. Hindsight is always 20/20 and your friends are more than likely right. The ability for a friend to take an objective look at your very subjective point of view is priceless. Red flags exist. Listen when your friends start waving them. (Friends have that outside perspective and your best interests at heart. Dig the honesty.)
9. Embrace your quirks. I am a klutz. I am sarcastic. I am stubborn. I have to get lemon with any form of Dr. Pepper in a restaurant. I don't like when people say "pop" when referring to soda. (Knowing that I'm a nerd at heart also lets my psyche relax and not take life so seriously.)
10. Life keeps getting better. Although my goals have changed, my life isn't what I expected when I thought of the future at 16, I have now have everything I never knew I always wanted. Life is unpredictable, but awesome all the same. Being 26 wears well on me.
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