Ah Gravity, Thou Art a Heartless Bitch

From my previous post of Things I Have Learned in My 26 Years, I have had my fair share of falls. I am naturally clumsy and have lost my battle with gravity on more than one occasion. And those occasions? Are sober. (Not all, but I have been falling since I was a kid.)

I do attribute my lack of balance to genetics, mostly. My research indicates that my mother has a tough time with balance (Company Christmas Party from 2003 - Dance Floor + Cosmos = my mom) and comparatively so with my maternal grandpa who actually had a diagnosis of an inner ear problem. (See, I'm not crazy.)

I will take you through my worst, and perhaps funniest losses with gravity.

(There aren't a lot of memories I have of falling before 1991, but I can assure you that I fell. A lot.)

1991 - Lowell Blvd between 104th and 103rd
So, I was stellar at riding my sweet Schwinn bike. It was pink and awesome. For anyone who has lived in the suburbs of Denver, it is surprisingly hilly. You would never know that your street was really a 12% grade decline because you thought it is just an awesome street to ride down. I was on one of those streets (Lowell) when, somehow, once I started to go fast, I mixed up my braking ability with my ability to flail about uncontrollably. A screech of tires and slam of me and my awesome pink bike into the rocks and fence later, I had one of the most painful injuries I can remember: skinning my palms. With a piece of gravel in it. OUCH is right. I still have the scar from that fall on my palm. I swear I am having phantom pains just reliving it right now.

1993 - Noah's Ark (Shout out) After School
I can remember this day vividly. I was lining up to go outside to play and I saw that I needed to tie my shoe. So, naturally instead of just squatting down to tie it, I swing my foot up onto the piano bench next to me. Not being able to gauge my placement of my foot, I put weight behind it to balance myself to tie my shoe. Bad judge of distance. I only had my toes on the bench and the resulting force caused my shin to slide down the edge of the bench. Since there's no muscle on your actual shin, there was no bleeding, just a stinging of white. To this day, I have a divot in my shin from the chunk the piano bench took out.

1994 - My Grandmother's House
So I was helping my Grandmother take groceries in the house from the Bronco. (Yep. I remember the car. It was red, in case you care.) Anyways, I was standing still, not moving, not holding anything, and my ankle gives out. One emergency trip later (since I was in Belen, NM, home of the Tastee Freeze and my first Cherry Limeade from Sonic - I told you I have vivid memories of injuries.) I have a sprained ankle. From just standing there. On two feet. Awesome.

1995 - Rockies Game at Mile High
Walking through the parking lot, I was weaving in and out of cars...somehow, I manage to pass a license plate a little too closely and instead of grazing with my knee and getting a rug burn type encounter, I manage to stumble, bend the corner of the plate and slice open my knee. We missed the first couple of innings so that I could get First Aid at the stadium. Yes, with this one, I still have the scar. And a vivid image of the flesh under skin.

1996 - Science Class with Mr. McAllister
Being the kiss ass that I was (some may argue "am"), I was passing papers back to people. I was walking past Stephanie Koutavous (memory like a steel trap) and thought that I had side stepped her foot, I manage to get tangled up in my own. From there, instead of catching myself, brace myself on a desk inches from either side, I land square on my knees. So, I manage to create a "BOOM" with my knees on the elevated floor and I get two baseball sized bruises on both knees. In middle school, I was completely embarrassed that I had bruises on my knees. Ridicule ensues.

(I'm guessing the void in embarrassing memories from this point until my next memory is due to the fact that middle school and high school are a blur for the fact that I have pushed most memories of the awkwardness from my mind.)

2004 - Outside the Business School at Colorado State
So, being in my final semester and having three part-time jobs (two of which I was PAYING to do, one of which I was slated to do - thank you, Delta Delta Delta) I thought that I would bring my books to campus and study in between classes and when I was "working". Please note: This is COMPLETELY out of character for me. Attending class and studying in advance of a test is a feat of Olympic proportions in my world. So having a loaded down backpack, I proceed down the steps (looking back, I am thankful that I wasn't leaving until after the next class started). I miss a step (perception is a problem - demonstrated) and proceed to somersault forward down the stairs landing on my back. Having been the prepared student, all of my books in my backpack essentially created a turtle shell on my back. So as I am trying to rock side to side to get up, I really look like a turtle who can't turn over. I'll let you picture that one for a second. I did leave this tumble without a mark, though.

2005 - Outside Public House (my former second home)
I am awesome. Let's start there. Next, we'll introduce alcohol, my favorite bartenders, heels and steep cement stairs. As previously mentioned, I have the grace and balance of a ballerina, so adding alcohol makes all the more enjoyable to see me. I am at the top of the stairs facing the door as we are getting ready to hail a cab home. I should mention that as the bars close in Denver, the cops are stationed (both on and off duty) around the bars to make sure that the crowds don't get out of hand. So, I'm at the top of the stairs, on the edge. As I turn to look at someone or something, I manage to move my right stiletto heel a millimeter enough that when I go to put pressure on my heel again, I can sense that there is something about to happen. (Cue the Culture Club's "I'll Tumble 4 Ya") I manage to somersault backwards down the six steps and stand up...naturally, like Kerry Strug. I also manage to make eye contact with the cops watching me, point to them and say, "Don't worry! I'm not driving!", turn around, hail a cab and take my bruised self home. Classic. And to all my witnesses, thank you for never letting me forget and for giving your play-by-play when we reenact the whole thing.

2008 - The Elevator of My Building
I had thrown out my back the day before kicking my laundry basket in the door to my apartment. Being a in miserable state, my mother came to aide me and get me set up for the day since I would not be moving. (There is a time-released muscle relaxer involved.) I should also mention that with pain medication I get the worst of the side effects. So, after going downstairs to get a quick bagel, I am riding my elevator because I have an overwhelming nauseous feeling. As I look up at the elevator making it to the 2nd floor (I lived on 4) I then wake up on the floor of the elevator between the hallway and the elevator. I have a cut face and black eye from the door tracks, and the relentless elevator door is slamming on my leg. Over. And over. And over. Thankfully, I didn't have any scars on my money maker, but seven months later, I still have the bruise on my leg. From. The. Damn. Door.

2009 - My Birthday on the Sidewalks of Denver
To be fair, I had on platform, 5" heels. And several cocktails. And I still think I defy gravity. Anyways, I stumble my way to the cab from the bar that I was "asked" to leave. From there, I look at my knee once I'm home and sure enough, there's a huge raspberry of where my intact knee was. Two months later, I have the makings of what I assume will be a scar.

2009 - Kitchen Table/Harry's Water and Food Bowl
This happened yesterday and is the inspiration for this post. I was opening my mail and as I went to sit down on my chair, or where I thought my chair was (distance once again) - thinking back, why would my chair be all the way to the left, not in the center, where it usually is? Anyways, I go to sit and realize too late that I am no where near my chair, but positioned over my dog's water and food bowls. So, left cheek in the water, right cheek on the food, right elbow on the chair (where the chair should be) and left elbow on the bookcase. I now have nice semi-circles of different sizes on my ass and bruises along the length of my arms since my elbows were bent allowing for more surface area to bruise in a small amount of space. I am now learning how I really sit on my butt and how often my elbows touch things.


I think after writing this, I have a perception problem more than a klutz problem. I cannot judge distance and therefore my abilities to navigate through life are skewed and definitely troublesome when coupled with gravity. C'est la vie. At least I know First Aid and have the ability to laugh at myself.