I think, as a public service (read: for my benefit and sanity), I need to break down how to function on the Metro. This post came about because of my ride in this morning. First this woman was pissed that I chose to make her move her reusable grocery bag so that I could sit down next to her instead of the skeezy looking guy and later by the woman "using" headphones that were so far from her ears and in her weave that I was able to hear every backbeat, syllable, and note of Lil' Wayne. Now, I like me some Wheezy, but not at 7 o'clock in the morning when it gets me all agitated and worked up. That's why the mother effer is on my workout play list, not my casual ride into work playlist.
Let's review, shall we?
- Don't try to rush and make the doors open and close. You've heard the announcement that the doors are closing and will not reopen. This isn't an elevator.
- You know that there's a train every 4 minutes or so between 5:00am-9:30am and 4:00pm-7:00pm. So why do you have to jump on this one? You doing so makes us run 4 minutes behind so you would have gotten there at the same time.
- This isn't Greenbo, Alabama. Move over. That seat's not taken. Not by your knock-off Gucci and not by your 2-year old who's running up and down the train like an animal. Move. Over.
- Yes, I will make you move your knock-off Gucci if my choices are you and some skeeze that smells like urine. Deal with it.
- You know that the Metro have 5 rules: no food or drink, no music, no animals, no hazardous chemicals or bombs, and don't litter. So don't open your Chipotle burrito bowl in the driver's car where they can smell it. Don't listen to Wheezy (Lil' Wayne for you non-hip folks) so loud I can rap along. Don't bring your yappy rat dog up in my face. Don't leave your bag so they have to evacuate the station. And for God's sake, take your damn newspaper with you and throw it away.
- You know it's walk left, stand right on the escalators all over this town. It doesn't change because you take more than one to get out of a station.
For TOURISTS (aka anyone that doesn't ride the Metro at least 5 times a week):
- Walk left, stand right. Walk left, stand right. WALK LEFT, STAND RIGHT. Wherever you're walking, riding, escalating, DO NOT stand still on the left. MOVE.
- Don't cram near the door. The train will stop at every station. People will get off the train. You, too, will be able to get off the Metro with a well-placed, "Excuse me". Don't try to stand at the door because you, your fanny pack, and 10 moody teenagers don't think you'll make it.
- Listen to the announcements and read that damn placards. They were put there so I don't have to educate you with, "Move. Move, damnit. Are you deaf? I said move it."
- Those doors don't open again after they start to close. Don't try it.
- There are 4 doors to every train. Move your group equally among them. Or better yet, move them between the other 28 doors on the train (with a chaperone, obvio), and you'll all get to the same place.
- Sit down and shut up. The train is not a shouting contest. I don't need to hear about how Skyler dissed Madison because he wanted to hold hands with Sienna. And no, you don't need your cell phone.
- Move over. Just because there's a seat next to you open does not mean it's for your to lounge on. Oh, and if you're a guy, offer the seat to anyone who is your mother's age or older. (This day and age with botox, that means that you might have to offer your seat to me.)